A Guide to Talking with Friends & Family About a Late Autism or ADHD Diagnosis

Introduction

Getting an autism or ADHD diagnosis in adulthood can feel like a turning point. For some, it brings relief—an explanation for lifelong experiences. For others, it stirs up questions, regrets, or uncertainty. Telling friends and family about your diagnosis can help them understand you better, but it can also feel daunting.

This guide offers tools, conversation starters, and reassurance as you navigate sharing this part of your story.

1. Understanding Your Diagnosis

Before talking to others, it helps to feel grounded in your own understanding.

• A diagnosis does not change who you are. It simply gives a name to the patterns, challenges, and strengths you’ve lived with.

• Late diagnosis is common. Many people—especially women, nonbinary folks, and those from marginalized groups—go undiagnosed until adulthood.

• There’s no rush. You can choose when, how, and with whom to share.

Reflection exercise: Write down 3 things your diagnosis has helped you understand about yourself.

2. Deciding Who to Tell

Think about the people in your life and ask:

• Who do I trust to respond with care?

• Who do I want to understand me better?

• Who needs to know in order to support me (e.g., partners, close friends, employers)?

You don’t need to tell everyone. Start small if that feels safer.

3. Preparing for the Conversation

What you might want to share:

• The basics: “I was recently diagnosed with autism/ADHD.”

• Your perspective: “This explains why I’ve always… [found noisy places overwhelming / struggled with focus / needed routines].”

• What helps you: “It would mean a lot if you could… [be patient when I’m late / not take it personally if I need quiet time].”

Things you don’t have to share:

• Medical details

• Past struggles you’re not ready to revisit

• Answers to every question

Tip: Jot down 2–3 sentences you’d feel comfortable saying as an “opening line.”

4. Scripts & Examples

Some people find examples and scripts helpful as a starting point, or to give you ideas. You need to say what feels right to you, but here are some examples of what other people have said:

Example 1: Telling a Parent

“I wanted to share something important with you. I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD. It makes sense looking back—I’ve always had trouble with focus and organisation, and now I understand why. This diagnosis doesn’t change who I am, but it helps me understand myself better. I’d like your support as I figure out what works best for me.”

Example 2: Talking to a Close Friend

“Hey, I wanted to tell you something personal. I found out recently that I’m autistic. At first it was a lot to process, but it’s been really validating. It explains why I sometimes need to leave social events early or why I get stuck on certain topics. You don’t need to do anything differently—just knowing you accept me means a lot.”

Example 3: Addressing Curiosity or Scepticism

“I know it might surprise you to hear this. Lots of adults aren’t diagnosed until later because autism and ADHD can look different than people expect. But this diagnosis feels right for me, and I’d really appreciate if you could trust me on that.”

5. Helping Loved Ones Learn

Friends and family may not know much about autism or ADHD beyond stereotypes. You can:

• Share resources (books, podcasts, websites).

• Remind them: everyone’s experience is different.

• Suggest they ask you respectful questions rather than making assumptions.

Resource ideas:

• Autism: NeuroTribes (Steve Silberman), The National Autistic Society website

• ADHD: Driven to Distraction (Hallowell & Ratey), ADHD UK resources

• General neurodiversity: Unmasking Autism (Devon Price)

6. Responding to Reactions

Supportive reactions

• Accept their encouragement—“Thanks, it means a lot that you’re supportive.”

Confused or sceptical reactions

• Offer reassurance—“I’ve thought a lot about this, and the diagnosis really fits my experiences.”

Dismissive or negative reactions

• Set boundaries—“This is important to me. If you’re not ready to talk about it respectfully, let’s pause for now.”

Tip: It’s okay to walk away from unhelpful conversations.

7. Caring for Yourself

• Build your support network: Online and in-person groups can provide validation and understanding.

• Celebrate your self-discovery: Many people find joy and relief in finally having language for their experiences.

• Give yourself time: Sharing your diagnosis is a process, not a one-time event.

8. Final Thoughts

Talking about your diagnosis can deepen relationships and bring more authenticity into your life. But it’s your choice—share what feels safe, at your pace.

Remember:

• You are not “newly autistic” or “suddenly ADHD”—you’ve always been yourself.

• This diagnosis is a tool, not a definition.

• You deserve understanding, respect, and care.