Am I Autistic, Do I Have ADHD, or Both? A Guide for Women Seeking Answers

If you're a woman questioning whether you might be autistic, have ADHD, or both, you're not alone. Many women go decades without understanding why they feel different, struggle in certain areas, or have developed elaborate coping strategies that leave them exhausted. The journey to self-understanding can be both relieving and overwhelming, especially when autism and ADHD can overlap in confusing ways.

This guide will help you explore the signs, understand the differences and similarities between autism and ADHD, and consider what steps might be helpful if you suspect you're neurodivergent.

Why Women Are Often Missed

Historically, both autism and ADHD research focused primarily on boys and men, creating diagnostic criteria that missed how these conditions often present in girls and women. Many women grew up being told they were "too sensitive," "too much," or "not trying hard enough," when they were actually navigating the world with a different neurological makeup.

Women often develop sophisticated masking strategies from an early age, learning to copy social behaviours, suppress stimming, or push through difficulties in ways that make their struggles less visible to others. This masking can be so effective that even healthcare providers miss the signs, leading to misdiagnosis or no diagnosis at all.

Additionally, societal expectations for women often emphasise people-pleasing, emotional regulation, and social harmony—skills that many neurodivergent women work incredibly hard to develop, sometimes at great personal cost. The effort required to maintain these facades can lead to burnout, anxiety, and depression, which are often treated as primary conditions rather than responses to underlying neurodivergence.

Understanding ADHD in Women

ADHD in women often looks different from the hyperactive, disruptive behavior typically associated with the condition. While some women do experience hyperactivity, many present with inattentive type ADHD, which can be easier to overlook.

Women with ADHD might find themselves constantly losing things, struggling with time management, or feeling overwhelmed by daily tasks that seem to come easily to others. They might have difficulty finishing projects, jump from one interest to another, or feel like their mind is constantly racing with thoughts and ideas.

Emotionally, women with ADHD often experience intense feelings and may struggle with emotional regulation. They might feel things more deeply than others, have difficulty letting go of negative experiences, or find themselves overwhelmed by stimuli that others barely notice. This emotional intensity can lead to feeling "too much" or different from peers.

Many women with ADHD are highly empathetic and intuitive, able to pick up on others' emotions and needs. However, this sensitivity can also be overwhelming, especially in social situations or busy environments. They might need more downtime to recharge or feel drained after social interactions, even positive ones.

Perfectionism is common among women with ADHD, often developing as a coping strategy to manage symptoms. This might manifest as spending excessive time on tasks, avoiding activities where they might not excel, or experiencing intense anxiety about making mistakes. The gap between their internal standards and their actual performance can create significant distress.

Recognising Autism in Women

Autism in women often presents more subtly than in men, with many women developing effective camouflaging strategies that hide their autistic traits. However, the effort required to maintain this masking can be exhausting and unsustainable over time.

Women on the autism spectrum might have intense interests that are more socially acceptable than typical male special interests. These might include horses, books, celebrities, or other topics that don't immediately signal autism to observers. The intensity and depth of these interests, however, can be just as consuming as any stereotypical special interest.

Social challenges for autistic women often centre around the exhaustion of constantly analysing and copying social behaviours rather than obvious social difficulties. They might have learned to make eye contact, engage in small talk, or appear socially competent, but find these interactions draining and artificial. Many describe feeling like they're acting or performing rather than being themselves in social situations.

Sensory sensitivities are common but might be subtle or well-managed through avoidance strategies. An autistic woman might avoid certain clothing textures, feel overwhelmed by busy environments, or have strong reactions to sounds, lights, or smells that others don't notice. These sensitivities might be dismissed as preferences or quirks rather than recognised as autistic traits.

Many autistic women have a strong sense of justice and fairness, becoming distressed when they perceive inequality or unfairness. They might struggle with authority figures who seem arbitrary or inconsistent or feel deeply affected by social injustices. This moral sensitivity can lead to being labelled as "too intense" or "difficult."

Routine and predictability are often important for autistic women, though their need for structure might be less obvious than in men. They might have elaborate morning routines, feel distressed by unexpected changes, or need significant preparation time for new situations. These needs might be internalized and managed privately rather than openly expressed.

The Overlap: When It's Both

Many women discover they have both autism and ADHD, a combination that can create unique challenges and strengths. The hyperactivity of ADHD might conflict with the autistic need for routine and predictability. The ADHD tendency toward impulsivity might clash with autistic preferences for careful planning and consideration.

This combination can create internal conflicts that are difficult to understand without proper diagnosis. A woman might feel simultaneously overstimulated and under stimulated, crave routine while also seeking novelty, or feel both highly empathetic and socially overwhelmed.

The masking strategies used to cope with one condition might inadvertently worsen symptoms of the other. For example, forcing oneself to be social to appear "normal" might help with ADHD's need for stimulation but worsen autistic burnout. Similarly, creating rigid routines to manage ADHD symptoms might feel restrictive and increase anxiety.

Common Experiences and Signs

Many women who are later diagnosed with autism, ADHD, or both report similar experiences throughout their lives. You might recognize yourself in some of these patterns:

Childhood experiences might include being described as mature for your age, preferring adult company, or having intense interests that others found unusual. You might have been a perfectionist student who struggled with unstructured time, felt different from peers without understanding why, or developed elaborate imaginary worlds or interests.

Social relationships might feel simultaneously important and exhausting. You might have learned to copy others' social behaviours, struggle with small talk while excelling at deep conversations, or find maintaining friendships challenging despite wanting connection. Many women report feeling like they're constantly performing or analysing social interactions.

Emotional experiences often include feeling things intensely, having strong reactions to injustice or unfairness, or struggling with emotional regulation. You might have been told you're “Too sensitive," have difficulty letting go of negative experiences, or feel overwhelmed by others' emotions.

Daily life challenges might include executive functioning difficulties like time management, organisation, or completing tasks. You might struggle with decision-making, feel overwhelmed by choices, or have difficulty prioritizing responsibilities. Many women develop elaborate systems and routines to manage these challenges.

Physical experiences could include sensory sensitivities, unusual responses to pain or temperature, or specific needs around food, clothing, or environment. You might have always been particular about certain textures, sounds, or situations without understanding why.

Work and academic experiences might include periods of high achievement followed by burnout, difficulty with open-ended tasks, or struggles with workplace social dynamics. You might excel in areas of interest while struggling with tasks that don't engage you.

The Masking Phenomenon

One of the most significant factors in late diagnosis for women is masking—the unconscious or conscious suppression of natural behaviours to appear more neurotypical. This might include forcing eye contact, suppressing stimming behaviours, copying others' social responses, or pushing through sensory discomfort without complaint.

Masking can be so automatic that many women don't realize they're doing it until they begin to understand neurodivergence. The constant effort required to maintain these facades can lead to exhaustion, burnout, anxiety, and depression. Many women describe feeling like they're living behind a mask, never able to fully be themselves.

The realization that you've been masking can be both liberating and grief-inducing. It might explain years of exhaustion and feeling different, but it can also bring up sadness about not knowing your authentic self or receiving understanding earlier in life.

Physical and Mental Health Impacts

Living as an undiagnosed neurodivergent woman can take a significant toll on physical and mental health. The constant stress of masking, struggling with unaccommodated needs, and feeling fundamentally different can contribute to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and chronic fatigue.

Many women develop secondary mental health conditions as a result of undiagnosed neurodivergence. They might be treated for anxiety or depression without addressing the underlying autism or ADHD that contributes to these challenges. While treating co-occurring conditions is important, understanding the root causes can lead to more effective support.

Physical health can also be affected through chronic stress, sensory overload, or difficulty with self-care routines. Some women develop chronic pain conditions, digestive issues, or other physical symptoms that may be related to the stress of living with unaccommodated neurodivergent needs.

The Self-Discovery Process

Beginning to suspect you might be autistic or have ADHD can trigger a complex mix of emotions. Many women experience relief at finally having an explanation for their experiences, alongside grief for the struggles they've endured without understanding or support.

This process often involves looking back at childhood experiences with new understanding, recognising patterns that make sense in light of neurodivergence. It might also involve questioning your identity and relationships, wondering what parts of your personality are authentic versus learned coping strategies.

Some women worry about being "too late" for diagnosis or wonder if understanding their neurodivergence will change how others see them. It's important to remember that self-understanding is valuable at any age, and many women find that diagnosis leads to better self-care, relationships, and life satisfaction.

Online Communities and Resources

Many women begin their journey of understanding through online communities, autism and ADHD content creators, or books about neurodivergence in women. These resources can provide validation and recognition that might be the first step toward formal assessment.

However, it's important to approach online diagnostic tools and communities with appropriate caution. While they can be incredibly helpful for initial understanding and support, they cannot replace professional assessment when needed. Online communities can sometimes be overwhelming or create pressure to identify with specific experiences that might not apply to everyone.

Considering Professional Assessment

Deciding whether to pursue formal diagnosis is a personal choice that depends on various factors including access to knowledgeable professionals, financial resources, and personal goals. Some women find that self-understanding is sufficient for their needs, while others benefit from formal diagnosis for accessing accommodations, treatment, or simply validation.

When seeking professional assessment, it's important to find providers who understand how autism and ADHD present in women. Many healthcare providers still rely on outdated diagnostic criteria that miss female presentations of these conditions. Researching providers, asking about their experience with women, and bringing information about female presentations can help ensure a more accurate assessment.

The assessment process can be lengthy and sometimes invalidating if you encounter providers who don't understand neurodivergence in women. It's okay to seek second opinions or find different providers if your initial experience isn't helpful.

Life After Understanding

Whether through self-recognition or formal diagnosis, understanding your neurodivergence can be life changing. Many women report feeling like they finally understand themselves, can advocate for their needs more effectively, and make choices that align with their authentic selves rather than what they think they should do.

This understanding often leads to changes in self-care, relationships, work choices, and daily routines. You might start stimming openly, set boundaries around social activities, or arrange your environment to better meet your sensory needs. These changes can initially feel uncomfortable but often lead to reduced stress and increased well-being.

Some women choose to share their diagnosis with family, friends, or colleagues, while others prefer to keep this information private. There's no right or wrong approach—what matters is what feels safe and helpful for you.

Moving Forward

If you suspect you might be autistic, have ADHD, or both, remember that your experiences and struggles are valid regardless of whether you pursue formal diagnosis. Many women find that simply understanding these conditions helps them make sense of their lives and develop better coping strategies.

Consider what kind of support would be most helpful for you. This might include therapy with a neurodivergence-informed provider, connecting with online communities, reading books about autism and ADHD in women, or making environmental changes to better accommodate your needs.

Remember that neurodivergence is not something to be cured or fixed—it's a different way of experiencing and processing the world. Understanding your neurological differences can help you work with your brain rather than against it, leading to greater self-acceptance and life satisfaction.

The journey of understanding yourself as a potentially neurodivergent woman can be complex and emotional, but it can also be incredibly empowering. You deserve to understand yourself fully and to receive the support and accommodations that help you thrive. Whether you're autistic, have ADHD, both, or neither, your experiences matter, and seeking understanding is a brave and worthwhile endeavour.